Due to so many of my recent experiences being more than just awesome poly experiences, I've decided to create a blog that focuses on my emotional, spiritual and mental journey. Here is the link:
http://thetaoofpanda.blogspot.com/
I have named it "The Tao of Panda" as the panda totem animal and the person Panda have brought me to new ways of thinking, feeling and existing in the world. This journal is dedicated to my journey, my struggles, my triumphs, spiritual writings that inspire me etc. I posted a Kwanzaa Meditation today as it is the first night of Kwanzaa. I'm looking forward to sharing this part of me with all of you.
~T
Monday, December 26, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Kanji in my Carpet
No, not THAT carpet! The carpet in my condo! Sheesh! You all have dirty, dirty minds! ;)
So November 8th came and Panda and I agreed on a time. I picked up the house and thought a lot about what he had said during our last meeting. I was also thinking about my grandmother who was in the hospital again. Against by neurotic nature, I decided to call in the next day. Hubby was off that day too and we could go and visit her in the hospital. It would give me time to relax and try and be somewhat more emotionality stable then if I didn't call in. Besides, there was a big event that day at work and I just couldn't deal with it or our less-than-stable Community Relations person. It really was the most sane decision I could've made.
So Panda arrives later than expected because he totally missed the Highland exit....he was now in North Aurora! Oops! Once he arrives I begin to take him on a tour of our place. We get to the poly room/spare bedroom/hubby's game room and we break for some hot sex. Oh...how I cannot get enough of Panda's lovin'! Afterwards, we go into the living room and chill for a bit. I turned on Comedy Central and we were watching The Daily Show and Colbert Report. He's holding my hand as we're sitting on the loveseat. He looks at me and tells me how nice it is, "to just sit and watch TV for a while. I don't often get to do this." We continue to watch for a bit longer when Panda mentions he's hungry and what do we want to do for dinner. A brilliant thought entered my mind-today was the day Rock Bottom (a local restaurant and brewery) was tapping their winter beer. We could go there! He was excited about the prospect and we drive over there....have a lovely dinner...come back to my place and I finish giving him the tour. We end up in the Spirit Room and I show him the reading I did on myself on Samhain...and the Kuan Yin card with the panda on it. He asks for a reading concerning being matched with an Army internship this year.He'd never had a tarot reading done before. I clear the space, light the candle and did another four card spread. Without digging too much into the reading itself, it basically stated that he had worked hard for his degree, he was ready for a big change and that it would come to him. The last card stated all would be right and well with the world and that he didn't have to worry about matching. He was going to do it for sure this year. He thanked me for the reading and we start talking and daydreaming about all kinds of silly things....like where he would run away to if he needed to disappear. I ask if he's really a Soviet spy and we both laugh. The conversation then turns to the military. I ask him why did he want to serve at all....but most especially in that capacity? I will never forget how genuine, gentle and thought-provoking his answer was.
He said that even though we have a lot of work to do in the US as far as Universal Health Care, equality, etc., we're still very lucky to be living here...that we have many freedoms and choices that other countries do not have...things we take for granted. I asked him to give me an example. He's a very well-traveled man and has experiences with many different cultures in many different countries. He thought a moment and told this story: When he was in Japan, he went to a popular burger joint there. They menu had several options for burgers....one had cheese...one had extra veggie toppings and so on. In clear and proper Japanese, Panda went up to the counter and asked if he could have the burger with veggies but he would also like a slice of cheese on it as well. The man behind the counter said no. Panda did not back down and stated that each burger is made fresh to order and there's no reason why he could not have the burger with veggie topping and add a slice of cheese to it. The man behind the counter went and got the head chef. Panda asked the head chef and his reply was "It is impossible." Panda then brought up the fact that I was able to have my veggie burger sandwich tonight made my way with what I like. "It's their unwillingness to change or alter that which is set in place." I thought about that statement and, like a good macro-level Social Worker, I translated this mentality to the Japanese society as a whole. What really rattled my brain was the fact that the Japanese produce some really bizzaro shit (anime-tentacle porn...need I say more?) and yet it was "impossible" to change a burger order. That's totally bass-ackwards in my book.
He also spoke of the importance of helping and being of service to soldiers on the front lines...reducing PTSD....helping military personnel re-adjust to civilian life. The thought of Panda being there on the front lines of a war-torn Third-World country assisting soldiers terrified me....and yet intrigued me. Its one of those professions people don't usually think about and ultimately take for granted. I know the VA needs psychologists, SW's etc. I've read the requirements for those positions before...but never entertained the thought of someone working on the front lines who was not a soldier, medical or Chaplin. "Army psychologists are air-lifted via armored helicopters, so I won't actually see any combat," Panda said, trying to reassure me. The conversation then turned to the Japanese language itself and told him about the two or three characters in kanji that I could recall. We roll over onto our bellies and I proudly proceed to draw the character for "moon" in my carpet with my finger. I then state I couldn't remember how to draw "book" or "person". He gently laughs and explaines each stroke as he draws. It was such a sweet moment. Almost like two kids writing with chalk on the sidewalk. We ended up snuggling and dozing on the floor of the Spirit Room for quite some time before Panda had to go. It was almost midnight and my condo can and has towed cars not displaying a visitors pass. We kissed again and I felt those deep feelings come to the surface. After he left, I sat on my loveseat and stared at the wall in amazement. I'm blessed enough to have a great guy....but Panda is more than that. He is a man of deep substance....a man with whom I've entrusted my deep desires, fetishes and kink, who bites hard during sex becuase it gets me off and yet, we spent a good amount of time daydreaming silly thoughts and tracing kanji in my carpet. Just, wow.
Wednesday arrives. Hubby and I go visit my grandmother in the hospital. My sister was her usual self-telling us that she will wait at the hospital till we get there and be that extra support. We pull into Resurrections' parking lot and I get a text that my sister and my father just left. Fuck you...was all I could think. I'm not very close to my grandmother at all, but she has Alzheimer's. Any big change is scary and hard to process for a person whose brain is literally dissolving on a daily basis.
Our visit was brief as neither hubby nor I could stand to be there long. It was too emotionally painful for both of us. Grandma was going home in a few hours so I didn't feel nearly as guilty.Hubby was so supportive and loving to me. He asked over and over if I wanted to talk about it as we left the building. I thanked him for the offer, but I was not emotionality ready to open that can of worms yet. It was so good having hubby by my side through this.The rest of the evening passed without much incident. Cut to Thursday afternoon at my job. I'm moving tables for some activity and I begin to think about the conversation I had with Panda that Tuesday about being in the military and his reasons...Japanese culture...social norms...our country. All of a sudden, I hear the l words of "Im ein ani li, mi li?" play in my head:
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
And if not now, when?"
My eyes open wide. I stop breathing momentarily. I can feel my body begin to shake and the tears welling in my eyes. I had to sit down.I stare blankly at the wall of mailboxes. This was an "ah-ha" moment to the max. As I mentally listen to Chicago A Capella sing, I begin to have images in my head of Army soldiers in front-line battles. Watching their friends die...trying to adjust to civilian life again...how indispensable Panda's role is going to be in the Army....and how wrong I've been. So fucking wrong. These men and women who serve are not cold-blooded killing machines....they are doing what they believe is right...if they don't do it who will? They are also not killing just to kill....they are doing it becuase they believe in something bigger...our freedoms...a better day for the next generation. Sitting there also made me realize something else that made me sad. but yet I felt somewhat stronger: World peace is not going to be achieved in my lifetime.
It struck me like a hard slap to the face. My bubble was busted forever. It was a wake-up call. A big one. I thought, "Instead of refusing to read, watch or learn anything about the military, I should pay more attention. Maybe...just maybe I need to serve those who have served us...all of us." The thought of being an OT helping Vets filled me with a joyful peace. My life could have purpose again...I serve a purpose to my residents, but to this company, I'm a total tool. I could possibly help those who have been through so much...so that they could live their lives to the fullest....in whatever capacity.
I texted Panda later that day about it. His response was what I expected. He didn't want his explanation to sway my thought processes about my career. I texted him back and told him about the reasons I've stated above....that he didn't sway me.... my decision to try and pursue this was my own volition. Panda's words were simply the catalyst for my own thoughts to form and how blessed I felt that he spoke to me.
On Samhain I asked for the Universe to speak to me and help guide me where I need to go during the coming year. I'm listening. I hear you loud and clear Universe. I hear you.
So November 8th came and Panda and I agreed on a time. I picked up the house and thought a lot about what he had said during our last meeting. I was also thinking about my grandmother who was in the hospital again. Against by neurotic nature, I decided to call in the next day. Hubby was off that day too and we could go and visit her in the hospital. It would give me time to relax and try and be somewhat more emotionality stable then if I didn't call in. Besides, there was a big event that day at work and I just couldn't deal with it or our less-than-stable Community Relations person. It really was the most sane decision I could've made.
So Panda arrives later than expected because he totally missed the Highland exit....he was now in North Aurora! Oops! Once he arrives I begin to take him on a tour of our place. We get to the poly room/spare bedroom/hubby's game room and we break for some hot sex. Oh...how I cannot get enough of Panda's lovin'! Afterwards, we go into the living room and chill for a bit. I turned on Comedy Central and we were watching The Daily Show and Colbert Report. He's holding my hand as we're sitting on the loveseat. He looks at me and tells me how nice it is, "to just sit and watch TV for a while. I don't often get to do this." We continue to watch for a bit longer when Panda mentions he's hungry and what do we want to do for dinner. A brilliant thought entered my mind-today was the day Rock Bottom (a local restaurant and brewery) was tapping their winter beer. We could go there! He was excited about the prospect and we drive over there....have a lovely dinner...come back to my place and I finish giving him the tour. We end up in the Spirit Room and I show him the reading I did on myself on Samhain...and the Kuan Yin card with the panda on it. He asks for a reading concerning being matched with an Army internship this year.He'd never had a tarot reading done before. I clear the space, light the candle and did another four card spread. Without digging too much into the reading itself, it basically stated that he had worked hard for his degree, he was ready for a big change and that it would come to him. The last card stated all would be right and well with the world and that he didn't have to worry about matching. He was going to do it for sure this year. He thanked me for the reading and we start talking and daydreaming about all kinds of silly things....like where he would run away to if he needed to disappear. I ask if he's really a Soviet spy and we both laugh. The conversation then turns to the military. I ask him why did he want to serve at all....but most especially in that capacity? I will never forget how genuine, gentle and thought-provoking his answer was.
He said that even though we have a lot of work to do in the US as far as Universal Health Care, equality, etc., we're still very lucky to be living here...that we have many freedoms and choices that other countries do not have...things we take for granted. I asked him to give me an example. He's a very well-traveled man and has experiences with many different cultures in many different countries. He thought a moment and told this story: When he was in Japan, he went to a popular burger joint there. They menu had several options for burgers....one had cheese...one had extra veggie toppings and so on. In clear and proper Japanese, Panda went up to the counter and asked if he could have the burger with veggies but he would also like a slice of cheese on it as well. The man behind the counter said no. Panda did not back down and stated that each burger is made fresh to order and there's no reason why he could not have the burger with veggie topping and add a slice of cheese to it. The man behind the counter went and got the head chef. Panda asked the head chef and his reply was "It is impossible." Panda then brought up the fact that I was able to have my veggie burger sandwich tonight made my way with what I like. "It's their unwillingness to change or alter that which is set in place." I thought about that statement and, like a good macro-level Social Worker, I translated this mentality to the Japanese society as a whole. What really rattled my brain was the fact that the Japanese produce some really bizzaro shit (anime-tentacle porn...need I say more?) and yet it was "impossible" to change a burger order. That's totally bass-ackwards in my book.
He also spoke of the importance of helping and being of service to soldiers on the front lines...reducing PTSD....helping military personnel re-adjust to civilian life. The thought of Panda being there on the front lines of a war-torn Third-World country assisting soldiers terrified me....and yet intrigued me. Its one of those professions people don't usually think about and ultimately take for granted. I know the VA needs psychologists, SW's etc. I've read the requirements for those positions before...but never entertained the thought of someone working on the front lines who was not a soldier, medical or Chaplin. "Army psychologists are air-lifted via armored helicopters, so I won't actually see any combat," Panda said, trying to reassure me. The conversation then turned to the Japanese language itself and told him about the two or three characters in kanji that I could recall. We roll over onto our bellies and I proudly proceed to draw the character for "moon" in my carpet with my finger. I then state I couldn't remember how to draw "book" or "person". He gently laughs and explaines each stroke as he draws. It was such a sweet moment. Almost like two kids writing with chalk on the sidewalk. We ended up snuggling and dozing on the floor of the Spirit Room for quite some time before Panda had to go. It was almost midnight and my condo can and has towed cars not displaying a visitors pass. We kissed again and I felt those deep feelings come to the surface. After he left, I sat on my loveseat and stared at the wall in amazement. I'm blessed enough to have a great guy....but Panda is more than that. He is a man of deep substance....a man with whom I've entrusted my deep desires, fetishes and kink, who bites hard during sex becuase it gets me off and yet, we spent a good amount of time daydreaming silly thoughts and tracing kanji in my carpet. Just, wow.
Wednesday arrives. Hubby and I go visit my grandmother in the hospital. My sister was her usual self-telling us that she will wait at the hospital till we get there and be that extra support. We pull into Resurrections' parking lot and I get a text that my sister and my father just left. Fuck you...was all I could think. I'm not very close to my grandmother at all, but she has Alzheimer's. Any big change is scary and hard to process for a person whose brain is literally dissolving on a daily basis.
Our visit was brief as neither hubby nor I could stand to be there long. It was too emotionally painful for both of us. Grandma was going home in a few hours so I didn't feel nearly as guilty.Hubby was so supportive and loving to me. He asked over and over if I wanted to talk about it as we left the building. I thanked him for the offer, but I was not emotionality ready to open that can of worms yet. It was so good having hubby by my side through this.The rest of the evening passed without much incident. Cut to Thursday afternoon at my job. I'm moving tables for some activity and I begin to think about the conversation I had with Panda that Tuesday about being in the military and his reasons...Japanese culture...social norms...our country. All of a sudden, I hear the l words of "Im ein ani li, mi li?" play in my head:
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
And if not now, when?"
My eyes open wide. I stop breathing momentarily. I can feel my body begin to shake and the tears welling in my eyes. I had to sit down.I stare blankly at the wall of mailboxes. This was an "ah-ha" moment to the max. As I mentally listen to Chicago A Capella sing, I begin to have images in my head of Army soldiers in front-line battles. Watching their friends die...trying to adjust to civilian life again...how indispensable Panda's role is going to be in the Army....and how wrong I've been. So fucking wrong. These men and women who serve are not cold-blooded killing machines....they are doing what they believe is right...if they don't do it who will? They are also not killing just to kill....they are doing it becuase they believe in something bigger...our freedoms...a better day for the next generation. Sitting there also made me realize something else that made me sad. but yet I felt somewhat stronger: World peace is not going to be achieved in my lifetime.
It struck me like a hard slap to the face. My bubble was busted forever. It was a wake-up call. A big one. I thought, "Instead of refusing to read, watch or learn anything about the military, I should pay more attention. Maybe...just maybe I need to serve those who have served us...all of us." The thought of being an OT helping Vets filled me with a joyful peace. My life could have purpose again...I serve a purpose to my residents, but to this company, I'm a total tool. I could possibly help those who have been through so much...so that they could live their lives to the fullest....in whatever capacity.
I texted Panda later that day about it. His response was what I expected. He didn't want his explanation to sway my thought processes about my career. I texted him back and told him about the reasons I've stated above....that he didn't sway me.... my decision to try and pursue this was my own volition. Panda's words were simply the catalyst for my own thoughts to form and how blessed I felt that he spoke to me.
On Samhain I asked for the Universe to speak to me and help guide me where I need to go during the coming year. I'm listening. I hear you loud and clear Universe. I hear you.
Monday, December 5, 2011
"Don't Sit Under the Bodhi Tree with Anyone Else But Me"
I came up with this title whilst showering this morning (12/5/11). I'll fall over if anyone who reads this blog gets the song I'm referencing. :)
November 3rd rolls around and I'm getting my residents ready to go a restaurant. My district manager happens to be there that day and stops me in the hall, pulls me aside and tells me that I cannot wear my fathers army jacket anymore to work becuase, "It does not look professional." I'm so stunned that I just nod in compliance and she asks if I have something "different" to wear. I didn't. It took me a few minutes for my real feelings to emerge-I was vehemently angry. My father proudly served in the Vietnam war. He was stationed in Japan and did his duty for his country. That jacket has initiated many conversations with residents, family members and even strangers on the street...whom I would tell about my place of employment...and you want me to STOP wearing something that does that?! Fine. Whatever. Fuck you and your conservative professionalism. I called my co-worker Latasha and she came downstairs and I told her what out DM said about the jacket. She rubbed my back and gave me a hug. She said she was sorry. I then ran out the door with the residents to the restaurant.
After a lovely lunch with my residents (and finally becoming calm after the insult earlier), I returned to work and started preparing for my four-day birthday weekend mini-vaycay I was going to take. I'm in my office plugging away at paperwork and my DM comes in and tells me she wants to "chat" with me before I go. I suggest that we do it now (I hate waiting/wondering/worrying about "chats' like this). After I manage to get everything done, I go down to the Administrative offices and into my ED's office. There, on the desk is a 13 page document in 12pt font with bullet points about how I'm not doing my job right. The DM and the ED proceed to calmly but effectively rip me a new asshole for an hour....yes an entire hour's worth of being emotionally beaten up. I was then told to have, "a nice vacation and really hit these points hard when you get back next week." I barely kept my shit together as I prepared to leave.
Once I got into my car and was out of the garage, I texted Panda and begged him to let me come over. I was red in the face and trembling. I knew he was super busy with assignments but I knew I was not going to safely make it home with the way I was feeling at that point. He told me I could and that I was coming over now. I called Latasha and was screaming on the phone in anger. I parked my car across the street from Panda's apartment building. I cried and wailed and beat the steering wheel with my fist. After all I'd done for this company...those months earlier in the year when it was just three three of us managers holding down all six positions...those long nights and days off I'd never took...investing everything I had and everything I didn't into trying to keep the building running. THIS is what I get in return?! Not recognition...not an extra bonus...not a few days off to try and relax...no. I got emotionally railroaded from TWO managers at the same time. Latasha did her best to try and calm me...telling me that the document she received was 19 pages...that she understood and its okay to be angry... and it worked for the most part. I was finally able to get off the phone with her and go see Panda. It was hard to look at him in the eyes when I got to his door-my face was red and splotchy from crying, my eyes were bloodshot and glassy. I looked terrible. I really didn't want him to see me this way. I sat on his couch and I briefly told him why I was upset. He listened quietly and let me spill my guts. He gently put his arm around me and told me he was sorry...can he get me anything...did I need some wine? Yes, I did. He poured me a glass. I also told him about the army jacket incident earlier in the day. I told him how dare my company tell me that I can't wear that jacket....that I was a daughter of a veteran and proud of it etc. I started mumbling something about how I'm not pro-military or anything, but the jacket was important to me. I made some hippie remark about the wars going on and then said to Panda, "I'm glad you're not in the military!" He paused and was quiet for a few moments. I looked at him and he told me he is, in fact, in the military . He's currently considered to be in the Army Reserves as a 2nd Lt....that he went to school on Army loans...and that he'll most likely be leaving for an out-of-state Army internship next summer. After that, he will be deployed somewhere as an Army psychologist. I was floored again for what felt like the billionth time that day. Fuck. Shit the fuck. I was not angry this time. I was crestfallen. I thought to myself, "What the hell is gonna happen with us when you leave? Surely you won't think of me or remember me. What will happen if you get deployed to a war zone and die?! What then?" He could tell I was upset. He tried to comfort me by saying that he wasn't leaving until next summer....that we have all that time till then...we were going to WI in two weeks and we should enjoy our time together. He rubbed my shoulder and I looked at him. We started kissing and that led to more intimate touching. He asked me several times if I was okay with sex tonight....that he would understand and not be upset if we didn't fuck....that I had a really emotional day etc. At that point, sex was the best option for me-I began to feel some of the stress melt away as we made love. It felt so good to be touched and kissed and shown positive emotions....genuine affection. I wanted to feel appreciated so badly then...to feel that I was a worthwhile person....that I didn't just take up space. Panda helped me feel that way. At the end of the night we confirmed our date for Nov. 8th where he would come out by my place.
I was so grateful for him that night. His affection helped calm my nerves and I was able to get home safe. As I've stated in earlier posts, this night planted a seed of thought in my head. I was now involved with a military man....I didn't yet understand how that was going to guide the next manifestation of my life....if I chose to let the the Universe gently guide me....if I chose to listen to what it had to say.
Which I did.
November 3rd rolls around and I'm getting my residents ready to go a restaurant. My district manager happens to be there that day and stops me in the hall, pulls me aside and tells me that I cannot wear my fathers army jacket anymore to work becuase, "It does not look professional." I'm so stunned that I just nod in compliance and she asks if I have something "different" to wear. I didn't. It took me a few minutes for my real feelings to emerge-I was vehemently angry. My father proudly served in the Vietnam war. He was stationed in Japan and did his duty for his country. That jacket has initiated many conversations with residents, family members and even strangers on the street...whom I would tell about my place of employment...and you want me to STOP wearing something that does that?! Fine. Whatever. Fuck you and your conservative professionalism. I called my co-worker Latasha and she came downstairs and I told her what out DM said about the jacket. She rubbed my back and gave me a hug. She said she was sorry. I then ran out the door with the residents to the restaurant.
After a lovely lunch with my residents (and finally becoming calm after the insult earlier), I returned to work and started preparing for my four-day birthday weekend mini-vaycay I was going to take. I'm in my office plugging away at paperwork and my DM comes in and tells me she wants to "chat" with me before I go. I suggest that we do it now (I hate waiting/wondering/worrying about "chats' like this). After I manage to get everything done, I go down to the Administrative offices and into my ED's office. There, on the desk is a 13 page document in 12pt font with bullet points about how I'm not doing my job right. The DM and the ED proceed to calmly but effectively rip me a new asshole for an hour....yes an entire hour's worth of being emotionally beaten up. I was then told to have, "a nice vacation and really hit these points hard when you get back next week." I barely kept my shit together as I prepared to leave.
Once I got into my car and was out of the garage, I texted Panda and begged him to let me come over. I was red in the face and trembling. I knew he was super busy with assignments but I knew I was not going to safely make it home with the way I was feeling at that point. He told me I could and that I was coming over now. I called Latasha and was screaming on the phone in anger. I parked my car across the street from Panda's apartment building. I cried and wailed and beat the steering wheel with my fist. After all I'd done for this company...those months earlier in the year when it was just three three of us managers holding down all six positions...those long nights and days off I'd never took...investing everything I had and everything I didn't into trying to keep the building running. THIS is what I get in return?! Not recognition...not an extra bonus...not a few days off to try and relax...no. I got emotionally railroaded from TWO managers at the same time. Latasha did her best to try and calm me...telling me that the document she received was 19 pages...that she understood and its okay to be angry... and it worked for the most part. I was finally able to get off the phone with her and go see Panda. It was hard to look at him in the eyes when I got to his door-my face was red and splotchy from crying, my eyes were bloodshot and glassy. I looked terrible. I really didn't want him to see me this way. I sat on his couch and I briefly told him why I was upset. He listened quietly and let me spill my guts. He gently put his arm around me and told me he was sorry...can he get me anything...did I need some wine? Yes, I did. He poured me a glass. I also told him about the army jacket incident earlier in the day. I told him how dare my company tell me that I can't wear that jacket....that I was a daughter of a veteran and proud of it etc. I started mumbling something about how I'm not pro-military or anything, but the jacket was important to me. I made some hippie remark about the wars going on and then said to Panda, "I'm glad you're not in the military!" He paused and was quiet for a few moments. I looked at him and he told me he is, in fact, in the military . He's currently considered to be in the Army Reserves as a 2nd Lt....that he went to school on Army loans...and that he'll most likely be leaving for an out-of-state Army internship next summer. After that, he will be deployed somewhere as an Army psychologist. I was floored again for what felt like the billionth time that day. Fuck. Shit the fuck. I was not angry this time. I was crestfallen. I thought to myself, "What the hell is gonna happen with us when you leave? Surely you won't think of me or remember me. What will happen if you get deployed to a war zone and die?! What then?" He could tell I was upset. He tried to comfort me by saying that he wasn't leaving until next summer....that we have all that time till then...we were going to WI in two weeks and we should enjoy our time together. He rubbed my shoulder and I looked at him. We started kissing and that led to more intimate touching. He asked me several times if I was okay with sex tonight....that he would understand and not be upset if we didn't fuck....that I had a really emotional day etc. At that point, sex was the best option for me-I began to feel some of the stress melt away as we made love. It felt so good to be touched and kissed and shown positive emotions....genuine affection. I wanted to feel appreciated so badly then...to feel that I was a worthwhile person....that I didn't just take up space. Panda helped me feel that way. At the end of the night we confirmed our date for Nov. 8th where he would come out by my place.
I was so grateful for him that night. His affection helped calm my nerves and I was able to get home safe. As I've stated in earlier posts, this night planted a seed of thought in my head. I was now involved with a military man....I didn't yet understand how that was going to guide the next manifestation of my life....if I chose to let the the Universe gently guide me....if I chose to listen to what it had to say.
Which I did.
And I Shall Call Thee Panda
In order to keep this epic story in chronological order, I will write about how I named my new love Panda, and why it goes beyond just a blog name.
Panda and I had set another date on Friday, Oct. 28th. We went to Marion Street Grille...it was pricey but worth every penny we paid. I recommend that restaurant highly. We went back to his place and shagged like rabbits again...on and off for several hours. While the sex was mind-blowing, I started to feel something else happening...deeper emotions started to emerge. I quickly dismissed it as being NRE and tried like hell to ignore them.
That night between bouts of banging, we were cuddling on his bed. I was staring at a piece of art in his room that looked to be made out of rope painted in different colors in a beautiful expanding concentric pattern. I traced it with my eyes and my mind started to drift to day-dreamy thoughts. I casually mentioned how I'd love to travel someday to faraway lands and how I feel he would be a great travel companion. We chatted for a bit about traveling and he mentioned that he had never been to WI. Never been to WI?! FOR REAL?! The conversation turned into a serious discussion of traveling to WI together in mid/late November. I wasn't sure how that was going to work out or IF it was actually going to happen. Nevertheless, it was a pleasant image in my mind. We would see each other until next weekend as he had several assignments/cover letters/biographical essays to write for his internship. I told him all about my Samhain Ritual on Monday and he was excited to hear all about it afterwards. He had a Halloween party to attend the next evening and I was going on the Zombie Walk with Sam and Fuzzy and ARF (their upstairs neighbor whom I've met several times).
The Zombie Walk was fun and halfway through I get two texts from Panda of his costume he put together-kabuki samurai. I just about had a heart attack! He looked so very good! And his makeup was freaking perfect! Just damn! I grinned wide like a little kid on Christmas morning and felt those deeper feelings poking their way to the surface again. I was quite inebriated at this point so I had no barriers. I was just going to enjoy the warm fuzzies.
Sunday passed without much incident except being very hungover. Things being to get interesting on Sunday night/Early Monday Morning. I consider Samhain to be my spiritual new year and I felt the need to do a four-card tarot reading on myself for the coming year. I go into the Spirit Room (the meditation/ritual room in our condo) and pull out my Animals Divine deck. From left to right the cards indicated your: past, present, future and the fourth was intended to be a culmination/summation of the reading. The past card I drew was The Star which was represented by Kuan Yin-the Bodhisattva of Compassion. The whole reading was freakishly accurate, but that card struck me for several reasons. I used to be very much in tune with my spiritual side-I practiced reiki, I chanted and meditated, I went to every Moon ritual I could. Hubby and I did our own at home. But something had happened over the last two years...I had shut that part of me off almost completely. It was a strong sign that I needed to re-establish a connection with my spirit. The other two things that struck me about that card were-It was the only time I'd ever seen that card in any reading I've ever done with that deck and it featured a panda coming out of the mist.
What further moved me about the panda was it's description in the companion book, "The panda bear's black and white fur represents yin and yang and the need to maintain balance."
"Huh", I thought. "That's most interesting." I've never been very good at balancing anything, but I had a better grip on it when I was attuned to my spirituality. It was certainly time to revisit that again.
The 31st arrived and I got a call from my sister that my grandmother had taken a bad fall, hit her head and was in the hospital. I went to the storeroom and prayed for God and her ancestors to take care of her....whatever the outcome. I tried hard not to cry. I had a Halloween party to host at work. The irony is that I dressed up as Nyx-the Greek goddess of night and death.
The party came and went. I drove to Tranzformations where the ritual was going to be held. I managed to arrive very early so I got a great parking spot and a great seat. It was one of the most powerful rituals I'd ever been to. Many people cried as Samhain is a time to remember our ancestors, the dying of the god, and the start of the dark half of the year. At the end, our Priestess doled out the infamous "cupcake fortunes" for the New Year. These were cupcakes with hidden tokens in different shapes...each one having a different meaning. As the boxes were passed around, I decided to use reiki to find my cupcake. One in particular called out to me and I took it. I pulled out the token and froze. Under the vanilla frosting lied a panda bear token! Holy Crap! I ate my cupcake and our Priestess started explaining what each token meant. "If you got the panda," she said, "You will be spending the next year achieving balance and taking care of yourself. You won't have to be forceful for what you want. You will get it." She went on to say that the symbols we received will most likely appear to us many times over the next year and that we need to pay attention to them. I almost cried. This was most certainly not a coincidence. Considering the huge life changes I'm going to embark on in a few months, balance will be key. Little did I know there was something else that the panda was going to show me.
After the ritual I texted Panda several times and said what a powerful ritual it was and how amazing the experience was. At some point that week between the 31st and the 4th, I came to the realization that Panda was not only going to be my boyfriend: he was actually a manifestation of my token. He is a very grounded person...very calm, very slow to anger, acts deliberately, is very thoughtful, meditates often, and cares for others. He's seen his fair share of tragedy and loss-his mother died last year (on my birthday), parents are divorced, he worked with high risk populations as a counselor. Those are not small burdens for anyone to bear, but he does and makes it look easy. I told him that I'm going to call him Panda on my blog. His snarky replay was, "Is it becuase I'm part Chinese? :)" I stated the fact that he's Asian makes my associations more congruent, it really had nothing to do with his ethnic background. I then explained the tarot reading, the token, the way he makes me feel calmer and less stressed etc. He was appreciative of the honor and thanked me for thinking of him in that way.
This was only the beginning of the lessons P/panda was going to teach me.
Panda and I had set another date on Friday, Oct. 28th. We went to Marion Street Grille...it was pricey but worth every penny we paid. I recommend that restaurant highly. We went back to his place and shagged like rabbits again...on and off for several hours. While the sex was mind-blowing, I started to feel something else happening...deeper emotions started to emerge. I quickly dismissed it as being NRE and tried like hell to ignore them.
That night between bouts of banging, we were cuddling on his bed. I was staring at a piece of art in his room that looked to be made out of rope painted in different colors in a beautiful expanding concentric pattern. I traced it with my eyes and my mind started to drift to day-dreamy thoughts. I casually mentioned how I'd love to travel someday to faraway lands and how I feel he would be a great travel companion. We chatted for a bit about traveling and he mentioned that he had never been to WI. Never been to WI?! FOR REAL?! The conversation turned into a serious discussion of traveling to WI together in mid/late November. I wasn't sure how that was going to work out or IF it was actually going to happen. Nevertheless, it was a pleasant image in my mind. We would see each other until next weekend as he had several assignments/cover letters/biographical essays to write for his internship. I told him all about my Samhain Ritual on Monday and he was excited to hear all about it afterwards. He had a Halloween party to attend the next evening and I was going on the Zombie Walk with Sam and Fuzzy and ARF (their upstairs neighbor whom I've met several times).
The Zombie Walk was fun and halfway through I get two texts from Panda of his costume he put together-kabuki samurai. I just about had a heart attack! He looked so very good! And his makeup was freaking perfect! Just damn! I grinned wide like a little kid on Christmas morning and felt those deeper feelings poking their way to the surface again. I was quite inebriated at this point so I had no barriers. I was just going to enjoy the warm fuzzies.
Sunday passed without much incident except being very hungover. Things being to get interesting on Sunday night/Early Monday Morning. I consider Samhain to be my spiritual new year and I felt the need to do a four-card tarot reading on myself for the coming year. I go into the Spirit Room (the meditation/ritual room in our condo) and pull out my Animals Divine deck. From left to right the cards indicated your: past, present, future and the fourth was intended to be a culmination/summation of the reading. The past card I drew was The Star which was represented by Kuan Yin-the Bodhisattva of Compassion. The whole reading was freakishly accurate, but that card struck me for several reasons. I used to be very much in tune with my spiritual side-I practiced reiki, I chanted and meditated, I went to every Moon ritual I could. Hubby and I did our own at home. But something had happened over the last two years...I had shut that part of me off almost completely. It was a strong sign that I needed to re-establish a connection with my spirit. The other two things that struck me about that card were-It was the only time I'd ever seen that card in any reading I've ever done with that deck and it featured a panda coming out of the mist.
"Huh", I thought. "That's most interesting." I've never been very good at balancing anything, but I had a better grip on it when I was attuned to my spirituality. It was certainly time to revisit that again.
The 31st arrived and I got a call from my sister that my grandmother had taken a bad fall, hit her head and was in the hospital. I went to the storeroom and prayed for God and her ancestors to take care of her....whatever the outcome. I tried hard not to cry. I had a Halloween party to host at work. The irony is that I dressed up as Nyx-the Greek goddess of night and death.
The party came and went. I drove to Tranzformations where the ritual was going to be held. I managed to arrive very early so I got a great parking spot and a great seat. It was one of the most powerful rituals I'd ever been to. Many people cried as Samhain is a time to remember our ancestors, the dying of the god, and the start of the dark half of the year. At the end, our Priestess doled out the infamous "cupcake fortunes" for the New Year. These were cupcakes with hidden tokens in different shapes...each one having a different meaning. As the boxes were passed around, I decided to use reiki to find my cupcake. One in particular called out to me and I took it. I pulled out the token and froze. Under the vanilla frosting lied a panda bear token! Holy Crap! I ate my cupcake and our Priestess started explaining what each token meant. "If you got the panda," she said, "You will be spending the next year achieving balance and taking care of yourself. You won't have to be forceful for what you want. You will get it." She went on to say that the symbols we received will most likely appear to us many times over the next year and that we need to pay attention to them. I almost cried. This was most certainly not a coincidence. Considering the huge life changes I'm going to embark on in a few months, balance will be key. Little did I know there was something else that the panda was going to show me.
After the ritual I texted Panda several times and said what a powerful ritual it was and how amazing the experience was. At some point that week between the 31st and the 4th, I came to the realization that Panda was not only going to be my boyfriend: he was actually a manifestation of my token. He is a very grounded person...very calm, very slow to anger, acts deliberately, is very thoughtful, meditates often, and cares for others. He's seen his fair share of tragedy and loss-his mother died last year (on my birthday), parents are divorced, he worked with high risk populations as a counselor. Those are not small burdens for anyone to bear, but he does and makes it look easy. I told him that I'm going to call him Panda on my blog. His snarky replay was, "Is it becuase I'm part Chinese? :)" I stated the fact that he's Asian makes my associations more congruent, it really had nothing to do with his ethnic background. I then explained the tarot reading, the token, the way he makes me feel calmer and less stressed etc. He was appreciative of the honor and thanked me for thinking of him in that way.
This was only the beginning of the lessons P/panda was going to teach me.
Friday, November 25, 2011
The Tale of Panda-A Story in Many Parts
So I've been blowing up Fetlife and this blog for a while mentioning Panda, my newest love. The story of how we came to be is most interesting and romantic....it's the kind of story that sappy movies and Harelquin novels are made of. Our story begins over a year ago on OKC....
*cue Wayne's World fade-out music*
In late summer/early fall of 2010, I met this shy but cute woman on OKC who just happened to live in Oak Park. I'll call her TC. She liked beers, was liberal, liked games and had a primary partner. We met up and seemed to hit it off well enough. We had dinner at Poor Phil's, drinks and then went to her place to hang out with her cats. She told me about her boyfriend, her job and how she enjoyed getting stoned. We hugged and left with the intention of having a double date soon.
A week or so later, TC, her boyfriend, hubby and I all met up and went to this place called "The Earwax Cafe" in the city. They had good food and TC's boyfriend brought some beer with him. The four of us ate, drank and got along well. I noticed that TC was more animated with her boyfriend there. He seemed to be charming with a sweet soft smile. I had bought tickets to a burlesque show, "Boobs and Goombas" that the four of us were supposed to attend together. TC didn't pre-order her tickets and there were none left at the box office. So TC and her boyfriend left. I got a text from her later that evening saying, "I hope you enjoyed the show." A feeling of sadness came over me. I was almost positive at that point that she didn't want a relationship. Fuck. Another bisexual failure. I texted her a few times later that week-I asked how she was doing, how her boyfriend was etc. with no response. I eventually got a text from her stating that her boyfriends mother is sick and he has to be her first priority. *sigh* How can I argue or contend with that? Another one bites the dust. That was the last I'd heard from her.
Cut to Oct. 19th of this year. I'm looking at my messages on OKC...deleting almost all of them from men who write, "I'm good in the sack" or "Hey baby wats up? I want a taroh reading." UGH! >_< I then come upon one that's written in proper English with eloquent language:
"Hello. I think we've met once before, though not through OKC. You were interested in my gf at the time and I believe I met you and your husband. I'm no longer with her, but I remember you and your husband. After reading your profile, I think we could have a lot in common in terms of our interests in mental health, love of new foods, polyamorous leanings, interest in the outdoors and spiritual communion with nature. I don't know how interested you are in men in terms of the continuum of fluid sexuality, but I wonder if you'd be interested in going out for coffee/beer sometime, becoming friends, and more if we click in that way? I'm genuinely interested and hope you'll respond to this message and start up a conversation. Until then, take care."
I was truly floored. Holy fuck! This guy remembered me! I cocked my head to the side and pressed the tip of my index finger to the tip of my nose (it's what I do when I'm thinking). I read the message a few times and called hubby over and I read it to him. He didn't remember TC or her boyfriend until I mentioned Boobs and Goombas to him, "Oh THAT chick and her boyfriend. Yeah, he was alright."
I thought it was very interesting that a guy I met once remembered me enough to message me and try and establish a relationship. Mayhaps I'm not so dull after all.
I stared at his pictures on OKC...he had soft gentle eyes, a brilliant smile and was handsome to boot. I kept looking at his profile picture--him gazing off into the distance with a look of deep contemplation. I wondered what he was thinking and I wondered where all this was going to go...
It was late and I didn't want to send a lame-ass message to him as I was tired. So I slept on it that night and messaged him the next day stating that I would like to get to know him better and that I remember him from over a year ago. More messages were exchanged and we finally set a date to meet on the evening of Oct. 25th.
That weekend, I went to see Chicago A Capella perform beautiful Jewish music in Naperville with my mother. On e song in particular touched me. The lyrics in English are:"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?" I held onto that song and those words and allowed them to touch me deeply. It helped me feel better about leaving my job and my future. I told my Jewish friend, "It was like God was singing to me." I love those words so much that I've decided to get a tattoo of that in Hebrew on my arm. I remembered the poster from the concert-It featured a Jewish man staring into the flames of a chanukiah. It was somber and beautiful at the some time.
During the day on Oct 25th, I received a text from him stating that he was really looking forward to tonight and seeing me. It made me smile and blush. "Wowsers", I thought, "this guy is a total gentleman." At the end of the day I put my makeup on at my desk at work and wondered if the face I saw in the compact mirror would be good enough for him. I wore purple that night as it's my favorite color and I look good in it. I managed to leave work when I wanted to and get to Winberies almost on time. As I drove around for parking, I saw him standing outside the restaurant waiting for me. I swallowed hard and felt my blood pressure rise. I started to doubt myself. Is this really gonna go somewhere? I rubbed my triskel necklace and asked for protection, guidance and for this to be a good evening. As I walked towards him, I was becoming dizzy as my blood pressure continued to rise. I tried to breathe normally as I approached him and we hugged. I couldn't look him in the eye. "Oh Gods," I thought, "Please don't let him think that I'm boring, or unattractive or not cultured enough." As we entered the restaurant, something caught my eye before anything else did--there, under the hostess' desk was an area that posters from local artists and musicians were displayed. They had a poster of The Days of Awe and Rejoicing still displayed! I immediately felt more calm and relaxed. It was undoubtedly a sign from the Universe-"Things will be ok tonight. Don't worry! He's a good person! Enjoy him!" I just knew in my heart that after seeing that poster that the evening would be fine. I'd at least get a friend out of this if we didn't click on a romantic level.
We're seated and start talking. We first talk about Winberie's food and drink...what are we going to order...what we each like to drink etc. He orders a beer and I order a extra dirty gin martini with a million olives. I can't recall everything we talked about that evening as I was still nervous (less nervous from before but still a bit on edge), and I was trying to take this all in. Here I am with this charming, smart, attractive non-asshole guy whom I'm attracted to....it's gonna sound silly, but I was wondering what the hell I was going to do. The last few times I made the first move with a guy I was drinking or they were drunk. It'd been a long time since I went out on a date with a guy that I was interested in and my insecurities came flooding back. I desperately tried to hide them so he wouldn't know. I wouldn't have to feel insecure for very long. The conversation quickly turned to sex and I told him that I have a Fetlife account. He asked what kind of kink I was interested in and I rambled off a few off the top of my head. I tried to bring up my fetish list but the app wouldn't load. By the end of out meal, we were talking about what we wanted to do afterwards or did we want to call it a night. This was it!! he WAS interested! HOLLA! We talked about trying to get some sulfite-free wine from Trader Joes or Whole Foods and going back to his place to watch a movie. I told him that I'd love to go back to his place. I went to the bathroom as the gin was finally hitting me and texted hubby. I let him know what was most likely going to happen tonight and that I would be ok...that he was a good guy.
We pay and leave and I drive him to his place. We go into the creepy elevator of death (it's one of those old fashioned elevators with a retracting cage and a heavy metal door that you open to enter and exit) to his floor and go to his place. He lives in a decent-sized studio and managed to squeeze a queen-sized bed in there. We're both on his couch at this point. We converse more and the conversation turns to sex and relationships. He currently didn't have a girlfriend but he had a FWB that he would see on occasion. I ask how long it's been since he's had sex. He said it's been a couple of weeks. I smiled I told him that it's too long to go without. And then he does something that I'd never actually seen happen in real life...he asks if he can kiss me. I knew he has horny....you could cut the sexual tension with a knife in his apartment. But even though he was horny and obviously wanted sex, he STILL asked me first. What a gentleman! What class! What respect for me! I said yes and it was magical. I was hooked. His hands were trembling slightly. His touch was like electricity through my body. Kissing led to touching and touching led to the removal of clothing. I suddenly came to a scary realization-I didn't shave today! DAMMIT! I was so pissed at myself for that. I pulled away and told him. I apologized over and over. I just didn't think I was gonna need to! His response was, "I don't care. Did you want to stop? Are you uncomfortable?" This amazing, hot, man could care less if my legs and pits were fuzzy the first time we hooked up?! SCORE! SQUEEE!!! I told him I didn't want to stop and that as long as he won't be offended, then we can keep going...that I wanted him.
The night was a blur of ecstasy. I came and came and came. I loved having his gorgeous tattooed body on top of me...next to me...I did not want the evening to end. He was so handsome and he was well-versed in how to please a woman. It had been a long, long time since I came that much. My head was blown and my body was trembling. He teased and touched and kissed. I moaned and shook with pleasure. He took everything slow. He really wanted both of us to enjoy this. It was such an amazing evening...words fail me.
Eventually, I had to get dressed and leave...Oak Park is notorious for ticketing cars that are not called in to the police. He walked me to my car, kissed and hugged me and said, "I hope I can see you really soon." He smiled that gorgeous smile of his. I said that he absolutely would see me really soon...that I'd work on figuring out a date tomorrow while I was home from work. I was floating on a cloud...I barely remember driving home. I had a huge grin on my face. I was smiling so much my jaw hurt. This was amazing...almost unreal!
And this was only the first date!
*cue Wayne's World fade-out music*
In late summer/early fall of 2010, I met this shy but cute woman on OKC who just happened to live in Oak Park. I'll call her TC. She liked beers, was liberal, liked games and had a primary partner. We met up and seemed to hit it off well enough. We had dinner at Poor Phil's, drinks and then went to her place to hang out with her cats. She told me about her boyfriend, her job and how she enjoyed getting stoned. We hugged and left with the intention of having a double date soon.
A week or so later, TC, her boyfriend, hubby and I all met up and went to this place called "The Earwax Cafe" in the city. They had good food and TC's boyfriend brought some beer with him. The four of us ate, drank and got along well. I noticed that TC was more animated with her boyfriend there. He seemed to be charming with a sweet soft smile. I had bought tickets to a burlesque show, "Boobs and Goombas" that the four of us were supposed to attend together. TC didn't pre-order her tickets and there were none left at the box office. So TC and her boyfriend left. I got a text from her later that evening saying, "I hope you enjoyed the show." A feeling of sadness came over me. I was almost positive at that point that she didn't want a relationship. Fuck. Another bisexual failure. I texted her a few times later that week-I asked how she was doing, how her boyfriend was etc. with no response. I eventually got a text from her stating that her boyfriends mother is sick and he has to be her first priority. *sigh* How can I argue or contend with that? Another one bites the dust. That was the last I'd heard from her.
Cut to Oct. 19th of this year. I'm looking at my messages on OKC...deleting almost all of them from men who write, "I'm good in the sack" or "Hey baby wats up? I want a taroh reading." UGH! >_< I then come upon one that's written in proper English with eloquent language:
"Hello. I think we've met once before, though not through OKC. You were interested in my gf at the time and I believe I met you and your husband. I'm no longer with her, but I remember you and your husband. After reading your profile, I think we could have a lot in common in terms of our interests in mental health, love of new foods, polyamorous leanings, interest in the outdoors and spiritual communion with nature. I don't know how interested you are in men in terms of the continuum of fluid sexuality, but I wonder if you'd be interested in going out for coffee/beer sometime, becoming friends, and more if we click in that way? I'm genuinely interested and hope you'll respond to this message and start up a conversation. Until then, take care."
I was truly floored. Holy fuck! This guy remembered me! I cocked my head to the side and pressed the tip of my index finger to the tip of my nose (it's what I do when I'm thinking). I read the message a few times and called hubby over and I read it to him. He didn't remember TC or her boyfriend until I mentioned Boobs and Goombas to him, "Oh THAT chick and her boyfriend. Yeah, he was alright."
I thought it was very interesting that a guy I met once remembered me enough to message me and try and establish a relationship. Mayhaps I'm not so dull after all.
I stared at his pictures on OKC...he had soft gentle eyes, a brilliant smile and was handsome to boot. I kept looking at his profile picture--him gazing off into the distance with a look of deep contemplation. I wondered what he was thinking and I wondered where all this was going to go...
It was late and I didn't want to send a lame-ass message to him as I was tired. So I slept on it that night and messaged him the next day stating that I would like to get to know him better and that I remember him from over a year ago. More messages were exchanged and we finally set a date to meet on the evening of Oct. 25th.
That weekend, I went to see Chicago A Capella perform beautiful Jewish music in Naperville with my mother. On e song in particular touched me. The lyrics in English are:"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?" I held onto that song and those words and allowed them to touch me deeply. It helped me feel better about leaving my job and my future. I told my Jewish friend, "It was like God was singing to me." I love those words so much that I've decided to get a tattoo of that in Hebrew on my arm. I remembered the poster from the concert-It featured a Jewish man staring into the flames of a chanukiah. It was somber and beautiful at the some time.
During the day on Oct 25th, I received a text from him stating that he was really looking forward to tonight and seeing me. It made me smile and blush. "Wowsers", I thought, "this guy is a total gentleman." At the end of the day I put my makeup on at my desk at work and wondered if the face I saw in the compact mirror would be good enough for him. I wore purple that night as it's my favorite color and I look good in it. I managed to leave work when I wanted to and get to Winberies almost on time. As I drove around for parking, I saw him standing outside the restaurant waiting for me. I swallowed hard and felt my blood pressure rise. I started to doubt myself. Is this really gonna go somewhere? I rubbed my triskel necklace and asked for protection, guidance and for this to be a good evening. As I walked towards him, I was becoming dizzy as my blood pressure continued to rise. I tried to breathe normally as I approached him and we hugged. I couldn't look him in the eye. "Oh Gods," I thought, "Please don't let him think that I'm boring, or unattractive or not cultured enough." As we entered the restaurant, something caught my eye before anything else did--there, under the hostess' desk was an area that posters from local artists and musicians were displayed. They had a poster of The Days of Awe and Rejoicing still displayed! I immediately felt more calm and relaxed. It was undoubtedly a sign from the Universe-"Things will be ok tonight. Don't worry! He's a good person! Enjoy him!" I just knew in my heart that after seeing that poster that the evening would be fine. I'd at least get a friend out of this if we didn't click on a romantic level.
We're seated and start talking. We first talk about Winberie's food and drink...what are we going to order...what we each like to drink etc. He orders a beer and I order a extra dirty gin martini with a million olives. I can't recall everything we talked about that evening as I was still nervous (less nervous from before but still a bit on edge), and I was trying to take this all in. Here I am with this charming, smart, attractive non-asshole guy whom I'm attracted to....it's gonna sound silly, but I was wondering what the hell I was going to do. The last few times I made the first move with a guy I was drinking or they were drunk. It'd been a long time since I went out on a date with a guy that I was interested in and my insecurities came flooding back. I desperately tried to hide them so he wouldn't know. I wouldn't have to feel insecure for very long. The conversation quickly turned to sex and I told him that I have a Fetlife account. He asked what kind of kink I was interested in and I rambled off a few off the top of my head. I tried to bring up my fetish list but the app wouldn't load. By the end of out meal, we were talking about what we wanted to do afterwards or did we want to call it a night. This was it!! he WAS interested! HOLLA! We talked about trying to get some sulfite-free wine from Trader Joes or Whole Foods and going back to his place to watch a movie. I told him that I'd love to go back to his place. I went to the bathroom as the gin was finally hitting me and texted hubby. I let him know what was most likely going to happen tonight and that I would be ok...that he was a good guy.
We pay and leave and I drive him to his place. We go into the creepy elevator of death (it's one of those old fashioned elevators with a retracting cage and a heavy metal door that you open to enter and exit) to his floor and go to his place. He lives in a decent-sized studio and managed to squeeze a queen-sized bed in there. We're both on his couch at this point. We converse more and the conversation turns to sex and relationships. He currently didn't have a girlfriend but he had a FWB that he would see on occasion. I ask how long it's been since he's had sex. He said it's been a couple of weeks. I smiled I told him that it's too long to go without. And then he does something that I'd never actually seen happen in real life...he asks if he can kiss me. I knew he has horny....you could cut the sexual tension with a knife in his apartment. But even though he was horny and obviously wanted sex, he STILL asked me first. What a gentleman! What class! What respect for me! I said yes and it was magical. I was hooked. His hands were trembling slightly. His touch was like electricity through my body. Kissing led to touching and touching led to the removal of clothing. I suddenly came to a scary realization-I didn't shave today! DAMMIT! I was so pissed at myself for that. I pulled away and told him. I apologized over and over. I just didn't think I was gonna need to! His response was, "I don't care. Did you want to stop? Are you uncomfortable?" This amazing, hot, man could care less if my legs and pits were fuzzy the first time we hooked up?! SCORE! SQUEEE!!! I told him I didn't want to stop and that as long as he won't be offended, then we can keep going...that I wanted him.
The night was a blur of ecstasy. I came and came and came. I loved having his gorgeous tattooed body on top of me...next to me...I did not want the evening to end. He was so handsome and he was well-versed in how to please a woman. It had been a long, long time since I came that much. My head was blown and my body was trembling. He teased and touched and kissed. I moaned and shook with pleasure. He took everything slow. He really wanted both of us to enjoy this. It was such an amazing evening...words fail me.
Eventually, I had to get dressed and leave...Oak Park is notorious for ticketing cars that are not called in to the police. He walked me to my car, kissed and hugged me and said, "I hope I can see you really soon." He smiled that gorgeous smile of his. I said that he absolutely would see me really soon...that I'd work on figuring out a date tomorrow while I was home from work. I was floating on a cloud...I barely remember driving home. I had a huge grin on my face. I was smiling so much my jaw hurt. This was amazing...almost unreal!
And this was only the first date!
Monday, November 21, 2011
O' Henry
It has just occurred to me that I have left the story of Henry and I unfinished. There isn't much else to tell, but I want to tell it anyway.
Sometime after that last post I made, we hooked up one last time and it was fun. I got to blow him while he was playing Black Ops and it had been quite some time since I'd given a guy a bj while he played video games. :) And that's pretty much where the story ends. I text him sometimes thanking him for writing his blog, inspiring me to write etc. His purpose in my life has been fulfilled-he rattled my cage enough to make me think that I can live out my dreams someday....that the world is much bigger than I have made it out to be in my head...that I can write and that I am a good writer. He was my first male poly experience and it was a positive one, but he's not a guy in which I can invest my emotions fully.
My life is taking on a new direction....a beautiful, love-filled, bittersweet, direction. Henry helped push me along the path in the direction meant for me...right into the waiting arms of Panda. :)
There are three certainties in life: death, taxes and change, and I am starting to get better at accepting and negotiating the last one.
Sometime after that last post I made, we hooked up one last time and it was fun. I got to blow him while he was playing Black Ops and it had been quite some time since I'd given a guy a bj while he played video games. :) And that's pretty much where the story ends. I text him sometimes thanking him for writing his blog, inspiring me to write etc. His purpose in my life has been fulfilled-he rattled my cage enough to make me think that I can live out my dreams someday....that the world is much bigger than I have made it out to be in my head...that I can write and that I am a good writer. He was my first male poly experience and it was a positive one, but he's not a guy in which I can invest my emotions fully.
My life is taking on a new direction....a beautiful, love-filled, bittersweet, direction. Henry helped push me along the path in the direction meant for me...right into the waiting arms of Panda. :)
There are three certainties in life: death, taxes and change, and I am starting to get better at accepting and negotiating the last one.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
The Beginning of the End
I turned in my request to waive my health insurance for next year yesterday at my job. I'll be covered under Hubby's plan so I won't be without.
*sigh* That was hard. This is all really happening. My chest felt tight and I had to fight tears when I signed the form. Turning it it made it so much more real. I really hope my plan does not backfire. I got a lot of support from hubby last night when I told him how sad I was. He feels we're going to make it and that things will be ok. I'm not one to back down when things get rough. Just gotta get the process started.
In a more recent professional development, my new target population that I want to work with are Veterans. Yup. Vets. There are many factors that have influenced this, most notably the new guy in my life whom I shall call Panda. More on this later (and there is SO MUCH to tell!).
*sigh* That was hard. This is all really happening. My chest felt tight and I had to fight tears when I signed the form. Turning it it made it so much more real. I really hope my plan does not backfire. I got a lot of support from hubby last night when I told him how sad I was. He feels we're going to make it and that things will be ok. I'm not one to back down when things get rough. Just gotta get the process started.
In a more recent professional development, my new target population that I want to work with are Veterans. Yup. Vets. There are many factors that have influenced this, most notably the new guy in my life whom I shall call Panda. More on this later (and there is SO MUCH to tell!).
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