My Shit List

I've noticed that since I've started blogging here, I've taken a grand liking to tongue-in-cheek titles to my posts. Usually when someone or something is on a person's "shit list", it's not good thing. In this case, it's the total opposite. My shit list is a list of shit for whatever reason(s), I have not been able to accomplish/do in the past. Most of the reason(s) are due to mental and emotional blocks I've put up. Since becoming poly with my hubby and being exposed to other ways of living, I find myself pulling away from those things that were "safe" to invest my time in ( EX :job, wanting to spend all my free time with hubby, clinging to family like they are the only people in the world who accept me) and I'm wanting to put my time into other things that have severely been lacking in my life. I also believe that the major management upheaval at my job is also pushing me forward into the brave new world of life outside my job. What a thought! To be clear, this is not a "bucket list"-all the things listed herein are things that can be achieved in the near future. Let's begin the journey down shit list lane, shall we?

1) Blogging
Well, clearly this was accomplished already! *Gets gold star next to my name* The trouble with me starting ANY new project is that I tend to have NRE with it-when the initial thrill fades, I just don't wanna do it anymore. I've been blogging here quite regularly and I'm proud of that so if I can get on here and do at least 2 posts a week, I'll be happy with that.

2) Taking Care of My Hair/Skin/Girly Stuff
This is half accomplished. I've been able to purchase an entire year of waxing for myself at the salon/spa near my house for half the price in February. I plan on using it all up in 2011!
Haircare-this has been a sore spot for me for a long time. I'll get a hairdo, LOVE it, then get bored with it, let it get all raggedy, bitch about how much a good hairdo costs, I don't have time to get it done, then get it done, love it, then get bored with it ad infinitum. OIE! I'm annoyed with myself just typing it! I'm getting better at the upkeep as of late. Like anything else, if you keep doing something it will become a habit.

3) Reading
One of my most favorite things to do in the world! Curl up with a good book and let it take me away! Why is it on my shit list then? Because for a long time I let a lot of things go. Sometimes, it was necessary to do so for a while. Now that I'm finding myself with more free time then I've had since spring break in gad school (circa 2008), I want to get back to reading more. I blew through all my Sharon Shinn books already. I'm currently reading, The Four Agreements and it's been a great help in dealing with some of my emotional gunk that has come to the surface. I'm also picking at The Cosmos which is an AWESOME book (hubby gave it to me for my birthday last year) but very dense and takes time to process. I emailed my mother for a few of her recommendations and, I swear, within minutes I had an email back stating she had already gotten all the books together and put her recommendations aside for me. She's a slight bibliophile :) It's hard when you really don't want to be alone in the house and yet that's the best time to read. I'm picking at my fear of loneliness slowly and I'm getting there. It helps that I have a fresh stock of books to read!

4) Going Back to the Gym
I'm not a gym bunny, despite what my username may imply! I used to be one though back in late 2009/early 2010. I would be at the gym at least 5 days a week. I cut down on calorie intake significantly, measured my waist CONSTANTLY. Then, I crashed and burned. I have only within the last two months found another gym near where I work. It's a very nice gym in Oak Park called the FFC. I also have my own personal trainer who i see once every three weeks. The last two weeks I have not been there because of work wackiness and now I'm sick with the sinus infection from hell that hubby gave to me. The nice thing about this gym is that it is ten minutes form my job which means that my commute won't wear me out. I also have the momentum of the day still pushing me forward so that I'll WANT to workout and not feel like it's a chore.The iPod hubby got for me will also help in that area! But, like reading, I need to make it a habit and so I'll be doing my best to return to the gym next week if this cough goes away.

5) Buying a Bike and Using It
When I told hubby that this was going to be one of the items on my shit list he gave me that look of, "Gee, I can't IMAGINE why you'd want a bike all of a sudden!" So yes, his lover had a good chunk to do with that. I'll give credit where it is due. Reading her old posts and talking with her about how much she loves her bike made me realize how much I also missed having one. I remember last year he suggested me getting one and I poo-pooed on the idea. What I've come to realize is that sometimes it takes that outside person (in this case his lover) to really help you understand just how much something means to someone else...including yourself. I want to get a bike to enjoy time with the two of them, with just his lover, some other friends of ours who bike and with ME. We have the Prairie Path practically outside our doorstep so I'm really wanting to explore that this summer. I also remember how it felt as a kid on my bike; feeling like I could go anywhere, do anything the world was my oyster. I'm looking forward to that feeling again.

6) Taking Care of my Car
While I put gas in it, change the oil, get the guts of Mr. Roboto (that's the name of my Elantra) fixed when they are broken, the interior is severely lacking in cleanliness. I get busy and distracted and before I know it several billion water bottles and seltzer water cans end up on my passengers seat floor or in the back on the floor. The trunk is...well...a holding ground for stuff. Most of it needs to go as it is not car-related. CD's are lying everywhere...some so scratched I'll have to buy the MP3 version in order to listen to them :( I'm not a great car owner. The iPod will solve the CD problem as I really won't need them in the car anymore. That will eliminate a lot of clutter. My sister LOVES to detail cars. I tried to have a set schedule in which she would detail my car and I would pay her for it. I need to get back on that schedule as the weather is becoming more pleasant and I eill want to be out and about more. I really REALLY like cleanliness in spaces I spend my time in. I almost raped my hubby when he cleaned and organized his half of the closet! it was a turn-on. I will make sure that my sister details the car by the end of this month and have her do it every 6-8 weeks after that.

7) Meditating & Spiritual Pursuits 
I love going to rituals. I love doing them with my husband. I enjoy doing readings, learning more about paganism, Reiki etc. The problem I've had is two-fold 1) Time and 2) Energy. The time thing is solving itself slowly but surely. I'm more well-versed in my job than I was even a year ago and many things I used to freak out over I'm able to get done rather quickly. So I've been able to leave on time more often than not (Yippee!). The second part is the emotional component. I can't do an accurate reading for myself or anyone else if I'm emotionally tapped. I'm not going to want to drive to Alsip to go to ritual if I've been crying all day or if I feel insecure or mad or frustrated. While the job on my end is getting easier, the administrative part will be getting harder with a new ED and Director of Nursing coming in at the same time. I'm hoping that the transition will be smooth and both of these people have their heads screwed on straight. Plus the poly stuff I'm processing...it's been a challenge for me. The sticky wicket of this whole thing is: It's when life is turbulent and uncertain that one NEEDS meditation and spiritual fulfillment the most. I've been trying to meditate in bed while I'm trying to fall asleep at night. The last four days have been mostly sleepless but I've come to the conclusion it's the antibiotics I'm on that's keeping me awake at night. I will try to meditate again once I am off of these. We have also been playing quiet/meditation type music at night. I think the results will be more significant when I'm off these medications. The place I go for ritual also recently changed their hours so they are open for a short time on Saturdays (yay!). There are a few metaphysical type stores in Dupage as well that I'm interested in checking out.

8) Dating Myself
This is a biggie. I again will give credit to my hubby's lover and my own dear Lady Hyena both of whom explained the benefits of having dates with ones self. Lady Hyena even told me I could share my experiences with her via email! :) As I mentioned before, I'm not fond of being alone for too long. I'm the kind of person that thrives on being with others especially when there is good energy. My residents keep asking me, 'Where do you get this energy from?" And I will them, "I get it from being with you guys every day!" That's entirely the truth. Even when I'm in my office doing paperwork, I do a better, more efficient job if there is someone there even just sitting with me, saying nothing. There are times that I like to be alone, don't misunderstand me. It's that I want to CHOOSE those times. With poly, to a certain point, those times are out of my control. So the way to turn something that I've perceived as negative into a positive is to have a date night with myself. When hubby is over at the Heathen House, I'll watch an anime series online that I've been following for a few weeks. Last Saturday hubby was uber sick and I went to Midlothian and spent some time at a pagan shop there that I have not been to in over a year. The next step in this process is to get out a little more and reconnect with myself...have some adventures with me. I've never really had a great relationship with me in the past so it's been a struggle. Hubby, Lady Hyena and hubby's lover have all been so wonderful and supportive through this. The benefits will be far-reaching and vital to my own self-love and stability down the road.

9) Vacation/Days Off
I'm a workaholic much of the time. I'm always on the lookout for new and interesting activities, games, projects etc. to enhance my residents' lives. Taking time off is a very difficult thing for me to do. I know that the programs will go on when I'm not there but they won't be the same. I've gotten a bit possessive about the way the activities are run because I want the best for my residents. However, all work and no play makes this rabbit burnt out. I've felt depleted for a while now...since the holidays ended. Holiday time is always our busiest season and no one can take time off from Thanksgiving through New Years day. I even missed my two days off for being Manager on Duty on Christmas Eve AND NYE. Then the holidays are over and then it's time to take down all the holiday decorations, worry about the budget for the next year, when will we know about our bonus checks, holiday debt etc. And then this year with that fucking blizzard..UGH! We had to sleep over at the building to make sure that the residents would be taken care of. It was terrible. I am JUST NOW recovering from that experience. I put in for my vacation this year and I will have to miss a wedding that i really wanted to attend in July because there will not be enough managers to cover the Fourth of July weekend. By the time my long vacation comes in August, the two new managers will be in place enough to cover those days. For that, I am grateful. I've got a long weekend in May in which I will be taking hubby to a secret place for his birthday! It's hard letting go of things that you have long clung to for safety. I found that in my job for so many years. As I mentioned earlier, it is time to explore the big world outside my job, and taking some very much needed time off is important. I preach the Gospel of self-care, and now it's time to do some of my own! The building will still be there, no one will die becuase I'm not around...it's going to be okay when I'm gone. Gotta just keep repeating that mantra.

10) Star Party
No, this is not a kink/poly type party. It's literally what the name implies-a party to look at stars. I love space...LOVE IT! I'm not a genius about it or anything, but I enjoy reading about space, looking at the night sky, watching documentaries (I wish we had the NASA channel!) about space. American Science and Surplus ( another place I love to shop!) hosts Star Parties twice a year at their two locations. it's a group of people who bring their telescopes if they own one and watch the night sky together. The stores are trying to get some local people who are meteorologists and maybe even a NASA astrophysicist.  It's a free event (which is always good) and I'll post about it more here if anyone wants to join me in the summer and early fall.I'm looking forward to getting my geek on and meeting some new people who share the same love of space as I do!

11) Auditing A Class/Taking Up a New Hobby
This shit list item is more vague then the aforementioned topics. I don't have a specific hobby in mind that I would like to take up. I'm going to be open to whatever may come my way. I'm allowed to go back to my college and take classes there for free (for no credit of course) as long as the classes are not full. I don't have a particular class in mind, but I know I'd like to expand my learning. I really love learning! I'll have to pick u pa course catalog in the fall to see if there are any classes that I may want to attend.

12) Clearing Out the Old to Make Way for the New
The most vague of all my topics is this last one, and yet it is the one that ties all 12 of them together. All 11 of my shit list topics require me letting go of something that is no longer useful in order to make room for new, better and more awesome things. I am taking this process very seriously and I am allowing it to change me...even to the point of changing my views of mortality with my family. I'm not one to do something half-assed in ANY facet of my life. "Go big or go home!" Change is exciting and scary as hell. I'm a planner and I like to know what's coming down the road. With poly and with life really, you can never truly know. Where will the Pod Quad Squad be in a month from now? Two months? Will everyone end up hating each other? Will we all want to move in together and raise chickens on a farm (*crosses fingers for the farm idea)etc, etc, etc. I really don't know, none of us do. Poly has opened up the door for me to step back and look at the RIGHT NOW and enjoy what's here at present. Things are really good right now with all of us. We all get along and have fun as a group, as a triad and as couples. I'm going to see Lady Hyena tonight and even though we are both sick, I'm practically jumping out of my skin to see her...I'm THAT excited! Hubby will have a nice extended date with his lover on Monday and I'll be joining them in the evening. The three of us will have a low-key convo on where things look like they are going and make sure everyone is on the same page. I am happy about that. I have a date with hubby tomorrow to go see Hop and I had a date with him last night too! Yes, life is good now. I'm getting the sense that when life becomes a shitstorm again (as life tends to do), if  I focus on the now, the today, things will be more manageable.

And I also know that I have a network of people I can talk to/get advice from/be my emotional self around when things go bad. That is a comforting thought. I am grateful, and I am ridiculously blessed!

~T